夏威夷大岛

2022年末圣诞假期临时起意去夏威夷大岛，出发前决定这次旅行要做到随遇而安，哪怕多花了钱和时间，走了弯路，都没关系，要内心不带任何抗拒地接纳这次旅途中发生的一切。

1. “Lush and green”

抵达 Hilo 当天，在镇上吃完午饭后就沿着海岸线一路开车北上，去 Tropical Bioreserve 看热带雨林和植物花草。走在林子里，目光所及之处都是翠绿色，竹林和棕榈树高耸入云，耳畔是此起彼伏的树蛙声。园子里大多是一家人出来观光，只有我一个人悠闲地四处走走停停。

大自然确实是最奇妙的造物主，人类对颜色的认知会因为各地的气候和地理环境的差异被完全颠覆，在园子里看到了最奇异的颜色组合和纹理图案，还有粉色的菠萝和从未见过的珍稀热带兰花品种。一路看着这里的奇珍异宝，帮身边的游客照全家福，一边听着婉莹和任宁枪枪合作的新播客《别来年鉴》的第1期，觉得这次旅程与播客中讲到他们希望在2023年回归乡野，体验古朴生活的愿望不谋而合。最喜欢房东的描述，行走在夏威夷雨林时满眼都是 “lush and green,” 处处散发着富饶的生命力。

Hawai‘i Tropical Bioreserve & Garden

2. 大岛房东和邻里社区

Airbnb 房东是一位来自 Colorado 的打击乐手，年轻时曾在世界各地巡演，出过几张专辑，还可以在音乐平台上搜到他的作品，现在主要和女友一起经营 yoga studio，每年也在印度和东南亚组织 wellness retreat。房东的女友来自巴西，是一位资深的瑜伽老师，以前在纽约教了二十多年瑜伽，也是 studio 的主理人。正巧我在的那几天房东弟弟也从洛杉矶来小住，是位纪录片制片人，幽默又毒舌，感兴趣灵性禅修和区块链（果然是加州和夏威夷的完美结合）。

住在他们家很像回到了高中住的寄宿家庭，出门前被推荐好吃好玩的地方，晚上到家和他们分享见闻，睡前会互相说晚安之后再熄灯，确实被好好照顾了。我抵达的那天晚上正好是他们圣诞节后七天果蔬排毒的第一天，所以他们三个人晚上只能默默喝果蔬汁，饿了就泯一小口解解馋。房东弟弟每天晚上都可怜巴巴地坐在旁边看我吃晚饭，我一回到家就被要求分享今天吃了什么好东西，房东夫妇则坐在离我最远的沙发上。

房东家的 studio 会隔天提供瑜伽课，大多是附近的居民来上课，大家也都互相认识，顺便聊天喝茶。我天天跟着他们做瑜伽，也顺道认识了一些常来拜访的邻居。和一位当地的医生聊到他搬来夏威夷的契机时，发现很多附近的居民都在美国内陆小有成就，但厌倦了拥挤的城市生活，想要回归自然，尝试自给自足和更健康的生活方式，因此决定搬来大岛定居，是一群真正把身心灵健康放在最高优先级（且不太需要担心钱）的人。邻里间经常办 party，每个月都会聚集到一个人家里跳夏威夷舞社交，大概是人民公园里广场舞的热烈氛围吧。

Airbnb living room, looking at the yoga deck

3. 森林里的野温泉

一天晚上正和妈妈打着电话，房东忽然邀请我跟他们一起去附近泡温泉，我便兴致勃勃地坐上他们的皮卡出发了。一路上听房东介绍他的新曲子，不一会儿就开了45分钟，到达大岛东岸的 Pohoki Bay and Hot Spring。虽然出发前听说了是野温泉，但没想到这么野，路上一片漆黑，没有任何灯，只有头顶上微弱的月光，甚至开车走的路都不在地图上。我们一行人摸着石头，拿手机的闪光灯照着路走到了湖边。到了温泉边发现黑暗中竟然有不少人，岸边有一个女生在唱歌，嗓音很低。水是黑色的，光线很暗，正巧云遮住了月亮。脑中不断想起《哈姆雷特》里 Ophelia 在河边唱歌的那一幕。我指着云说月亮不见了，房东一家人笑着说别担心，月亮还在。

伸出手探了探水温，确实是热的温泉。温泉有里外两个池子，穿过一片树林就能到里面的池子，水温更热，像是被森林环抱着的隐秘小湖。有两个当地的男孩子在里面聊心事，声音很响亮，两个人说话的气势像是十个人在说。我和房东一家人也聊起天来，和这些平日里素不相识的人聊各自的生活和困惑，一起安静地感受黑暗中泉水的温度，应该会永远记得这个临时起意去探索和感受自然的奇妙夜晚。

Pohoki Bay and Hot Spring during daylight

Ophelia, oil painting by John Everett Millais

4. 火山熔岩

前一晚泡完野温泉后，第二天决定白天再去一次，想再亲眼看看昨晚那片奇妙的温泉。沿着大岛东岸一直往南开，恰好路过了2018年 Puna 火山爆发时沉积的大片黑色火山岩。停下车近距离观察了很久，郁郁葱葱的热带雨林中间忽然有一长条黑色火山岩盖住了那一片的所有植被，是当时火山爆发时熔浆流入大海的路径。靠近火山岩的树木毫无生机，还有烧焦的痕迹。公路走着走着发现前面没了路，因为被像小山一样高的火山岩石堆挡住了，再也没有被修复。后来和上瑜伽课认识的医生聊到这个景象，他说当时有位朋友的房子就在这附近，差一点就丢了性命。夏威夷岛民好像都习惯了和自然摧毁性的力量共存，世界的忽然坍塌也是转瞬即逝的事情。与自然的未知和风险离得越近，越明白世事无常，也正因为这样，能感受到岛民们的谦卑，更乐于活在当下，懂得探索自然的奥妙，感恩自然的馈赠，也敬畏自然的力量。

5. Namaste 是灵魂之间的问候

房东女主人是 studio 的瑜伽老师，住在岛上的时候几乎每天都跟着她上课，清晨做力量型的训练，傍晚回来拉伸和放松。她是一个特别有灵气和亲和力的女人，说话轻柔但有力量。有时在课上听到她抛出的问题也会想很久，有一次她问 “What’s your relationship with silence?” “What’s the value of silence?” 我当时愣住了，从未认真思考过这个问题。还有一次课后我问她每次结束练习时说的 “Namaste” 是什么意思。她回答说是 “Greetings between souls.” 不仅仅是日常意义上大家互相问候，而是两个人灵魂深处的彼此问候。从那以后，每当默念这个词都会想到它寓意深远的美。

6. Aloha State 租车

出发去夏威夷两周前，我在网上找遍了各个租车平台，一辆车都不剩，只有 Turo 上一天 $350 的 Tesla。后来联系了Airbnb房东，他热心地告诉我可以去联系他两位当地的朋友试试看，“告诉TA是我让你来的”。于是我就顶着房东的大名联系了他们，最后通过房东朋友的朋友以 $250 一周的超高性价比租到了一辆 2007 的 Toyota，一开始被这个美好的价格震惊了，后来意识到是他自己的车这段时间不用，租给我，所以才能这么便宜，就像向隔壁邻居家借车一样。

这位哥们特别热情，每次回复都要加上一串跳舞小人，鲜花和海滩的 emoji。我们约定好他会把车开到停车场的一个角落，车钥匙藏在驾驶座的地毯底下，我下了飞机就去取车。一切听起来都太不靠谱，甚至在我走出Hilo机场时心里还不确定能不能开上车。整个过程沟通效率极低，但觉得很好玩，仿佛回到了小城市熟人社会的运作模式，一切都不透明，全靠人传人，碰到善良的人就给你指条路，直到碰到能帮助你的人。感觉是一个现代社交关系的隐喻，人与人的关系极其流动，全靠信任和爱支撑。

7. 在山里开环岛长途

这是我真正意义上第一次独自每天开四五个小时车的公路旅行。从东岸走横跨大岛的高速去西岸，有时就为了吃一碗 poke 和木瓜冰沙。开车的时候心情很平静，开着一辆很旧的2007年Toyota，每次踩油门和刹车方向盘都在颤抖。一路上听了很多音乐和播客，单曲循环了很多次Faye的《青鸟》和《得意忘形》的第63期。在这样的环境里，心也变得开阔，白天出发看火山，路过海滩就乘个凉吹吹风，傍晚看完日落就回家，走走停停都完全随心。晚上有时雾很浓能见度低，我就认一些车作 “大哥”，我作为小弟默默跟在他们后面，一路上也算是有惊无险，一切顺利。

8. 夜雨中的圣诞灯展

即将离开 Hilo 的那天晚上，房东夫妇特地提早回家和我道别。正聊着天，房东想起晚上在社区里有一个圣诞灯展，提议我和他们一起看完灯展再去机场。出发前，房东绘声绘色地介绍了这个一年一度的盛会，于是我和房东弟弟都特别期待。待我们开车到了灯展的地点，门口的志愿者善意提醒我们可以把车里的收音机调到 FM 106.7，可以边看灯边听音乐。

把车停好后定睛一看，发现这个灯展其实是一个做灯饰生意的邻居家把自己的房子贴满了光管和亮片，再和电台协商好在这个时段可以播圣诞音乐，来看灯展的居民就坐在车里，像看汽车电影那样，一边听电台音乐一边看眼前的这个房子变换各种颜色和图案。我和房东弟弟面面相觑，一时语塞，被这个简陋笨拙但又有些可爱的灯展弄的哭笑不得。房东弟弟皱了皱眉率先打趣说 “Well, I’m not sure what to make of it … I guess I appreciate their thoughtfulness.” 外面下起了雨，我们只能待在车里，看着眼前朦胧又发着光的房子，听着喜庆的圣诞音乐，四目相对，不约而同地被这个滑稽又淳朴的画面逗笑了。

9. 附赠：海里的自由小人

每次在沙滩附近都会看到海里长出了很多浮潜的小人，像极了新西兰画家 Joanna Ho 画里的意象。

Carlsmith Beach Park

Watercolor by Joanna Ho (helobirdie.com)

至此，我的夏威夷历险记就告一段落了。独自旅行确实会有一些不方便，很遗憾放弃了需要晚上开车上山的 Mauna Kea 天文台观星，遇到意外状况也只能硬着头皮解决，没有人可以商量或照应，但无论如何，这次旅行的总体感受还是太好了，真实地被大岛的能量滋养。下次再见啦！

The art of loving

I initially read The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm in July 2022, in the hope of reflecting and learning systematically about the theory, science, and best practices of love. The more I learn, the stronger I felt that the education of love is long overdue and missing from our conversations today. I love how Fromm explains the evolution of love as a concept in the context of our biological needs as humans and the Western capitalist society in which we live. In retrospect, many common misconceptions of love could have been avoided have I encountered this book earlier. I noted a few key themes that I deeply resonate with as I go through the book:

Fromm argues Love is Giving

1. Common misconception: Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love—or to be loved by—is difficult. Fromm argues love is the activity of giving, which lies the highest expression of vitality and productiveness.

2. In capitalist society, love becomes package and commodities of exchange, as being lovable and attractive usually means a package of qualities which are popular and sought after on the personality market for most people. Falling in love becomes a bargain; “the object should be desirable from the the standpoint of its social value, and at the same time should want me, considering my overt and hidden assets and potentialities.”

3. The education of love, and of mature, loving qualities, is missing. As in learning any other art (e.g. music, medicine, engineering), one must both learn the theory and the practice. However, “in spite of the deep-seated craving for love, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love: success, prestige, money, power—almost all our energy is used for the learning of how to achieve these aims and almost none to learn the art of loving.”

Photo by Jerry Zhang on Unsplash

How might we develop the ability to love?

4. The ability to love as an act of giving depends on the character development of the person. It assumes the person has overcome dependency, narcissistic omnipotence, the wish to exploit others, or to hoard, and has acquired faith in his own human powers, courage to rely on his powers in the attainment of his goals.

5. The ability to love requires care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. Respect (the root of the word respicere = to look at) is the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is. Respect, thus, implies the absence of exploitation.

6. To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge. I personally love this somewhat brutal analogy: “the child takes something apart, breaks it up in order to know it; or it takes an animal apart; cruelly tears off the wings of a butterfly in order to know it, to force its secret. The cruelty itself is motivated by something deeper: the wish to know the secret of things and of life.”

7. Common misconception: For most people, their own person, as well as others, is soon explored and soon exhausted. It’s easy to assume we already know our partner when we become familiar with each other. But there were more depth in the experience of the other person—if one can experience the infiniteness of his personality—the other person would never be so familiar. Then the experience of overcoming the barriers and separateness might occur everyday anew.

8. In modern society, man overcomes his unconscious despair by the routine of amusement, the passive consumption of sounds and sights offered by the amusement industry; furthermore by the satisfaction of buying ever new things, and soon exchanging them for others. Automatons cannot love; they can exchange their “personality packages” and hope for a fair bargain.

9. Love is possible only if two persons communicate with each other from the center of their existence. Real conflicts between two people, those which do not serve to cover up or to project, but which are experienced on the deep level of inner reality to which they belong, are not destructive. They lead to clarification, they produce a catharsis from which both persons emerge with more knowledge and more strength. There is only one proof for the presence of love: the depth of the relationship, and the aliveness and strength in each person concerned.

10. To master any art, anyone must begin by practicing disciplines, concentration and patience throughout every phase of his life. Concentration is a necessary condition for the mastery of an art. This lack of concentration is clearly shown in our difficulty in being alone with ourselves. To be able to concentrate means to be able to be alone with oneself—and paradoxically, this ability is precisely a condition for the ability to love. To learn concentration requires avoiding, as far as possible, trivial conversation, that is, conversation which is not genuine.

11. Love also requires rational faith. Just as the purpose of education is to help the child realize their full potentialities. The opposite of education is manipulation, which is based on the absence of faith in the growth of potentialities, and on the conviction that a child will be right only if the adults put into them what is desirable and suppress what seems to be undesirable. Having faith in another person means to be certain of the reliability and unchangeability of his fundamental attitudes, of the core of his personality, of his love. To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment.

每天一分钟，希望不要钱

2022年一月份参加希望小学是去年年末做过最好的决定：连续三周每天坚持和一群可爱的陌生人一起写作，记录生活中的洞察以及灵光一现的瞬间。每天写一分钟的小作文，真实地感受到写作带来的奇妙能量，也获得了很多意想不到的温暖，好像确实更有希望了。

印象很深刻的是2022年的跨年零点，群里大家都在祝刚认识的彼此新年快乐。当时的命题作文题目是 “2022年的零点，我在干嘛”，我写了当时因为旧金山的烟花表演被取消了，只能在朋友家用YouTube看看世界各地争奇斗艳的烟花。班里的小方写她在和前男友吵架，边吵边送上祝福。小汪汪写她和男朋友在电镜旁边看样，她是位临床医学生。小饺子写了她旅居北京的第一天夜晚，在睡觉，还有茴香味的包子。小苏肉写了她在喝热气腾腾的疙瘩汤，还在便利店买了一盒润喉糖。读到这些生动的文字时觉得有些恍惚，好像和他们有了奇妙的连结，哪怕素未谋面却觉得很亲切，像是和这28个陌生人一起倒数跨年了一样。每读一篇文字就像是重现了跨年的瞬间，所以觉得那天晚上跨了28次场景和感受都迥异的2022年。

希望小学设置的一些有趣规则：

1. 加入希望小学后每个人都要改姓「小」，我的同学有「小杰西」「小狗」和「小汪汪」

2. 每天在群里提交一篇一分钟的音频和文字稿，写作题材不限，只有每周三是命题作文

3. 教务处每天会评选出最佳的五篇作文合成一集播客放在希望小学播客上，在小宇宙可收听

4. 教务处还会每天评出一句「昨日今句」并奖励一朵小红花。自己挺喜欢这几句的：

当然，还有自己获得小红花的两句：

我们毕业设计做了一套职场表情包「加班狗的春天」，因为这个cohort都很爱加班，一开始还提议每个人做一页PPT（笑）。看到教务处写给十班的毕业寄语，描述得特别准确：“10班是春节前的最后一个班，在横跨一个月的时间里，通过交的作业和交不上作业时交的红包，能感受到年前大家的工作都很忙。所以也时常能在作业里感受到大家的情绪问题和工作问题，以及在后面的作业里看到每个人是如何与之对抗的。我们是旁观了这一场场对抗全过程的人，也许，也就是在这个过程中被鼓励到的吧。” 这里是将PPT形式转化为可执行内容的创意转换过程，可在微信搜索「加班狗的春天」下载，祝大家用一次，少加一次班。你也可以在希望小学的播客（在小宇宙上收听）听到我们的一分钟小作文。

一些自己比较喜欢的作文片段：

小空调0105

题目：2022年的零点，我在干嘛。解题思路：不会真的在睡觉吧。

大家好，我是小空调。2022年的零点我在朋友家看各个国家的跨年倒数和烟花表演。因为疫情不准聚集，以及北美总体而言对参加争奇斗艳的跨年烟花比赛毫无兴趣，我们只能凑凑其他地方的热闹。打开电视，我们率先开始看台北的跨年烟花表演。在加州呆久了以后，看到烟花从每层楼里飞出来的时候就已经很激动了，之后又看了上海和悉尼的烟花，也都不错。最后看到迪拜的烟花时，所有人都站起来了，顿时觉得刚刚看到的烟花都过于朴素。迪拜的烟花设计的很有民族特色，很浮夸又很有未来感，最重要的是一看就知道砸了很多钱，而且谁花的钱也很显而易见，毕竟它一直喜庆地反复循环赞助商的阿拉伯语，英文和中文名字。在现代社会，看个烟花就足以展示每个国家的性格了。

小空调0111

大家好，我是小空调。最近沉迷《一年一度喜剧大赛》里史策和王皓的作品，于是重新开始认真听告五人的《披星戴月的想你》。仔细想想，谈论爱情的作品好像都反应了人类底层的不自信，每个人都希望对方永远只爱自己。正因为人的感情永远有不确定性，所以才需要反复歌颂专一，深情，和百折不挠的爱。毕竟如果你渴望一件事，那么说明它还没发生。相比于和另一个复杂和充满不确定性的个体谈恋爱，音乐和戏剧之所以那么治愈人，就是因为他们愿意给予素不相识的人无条件的爱吧。创作是分享和给予，但爱情是拥有 。听了很多遍《披星戴月的想你》之后，也多了一些面对告别的勇气，和感受到他们平静但又很有力量的爱。

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命题：我想要的年终奖。解题思路：不局限于公司发的，你想要什么奖都可以讲。

大家好，我是小空调。今年年终奖想要公司要求每个员工选一个需求或者任务 “say no”。以前我总是不懂得如何拒绝别人，习惯于满足别人的期待和一切看似合理的请求。今年下定决心管理好自己的时间，意思是为了把精力花在最重要的事情上，需要狠下心放弃很多看似不错的机会。做决策困难的并不是在很多好东西中挑选，而是学会拒绝大部分好东西，只把时间留给一两件最重要的事。拒绝别人和把时间彻底留给自己的感觉太美妙了。每个人都应该积极说不，抓住一切机会锻炼这个能让你容光焕发的技能。希望每年年终能正式被鼓励 “say no” 一次，这样全年都能拥有更多勇气拒绝各种看似不错的事，把时间重新掌握在自己手里。

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大家好，我是小空调。心理咨询真是一个有点孤独的职业。去年开始想要找一位咨询师建立长期的咨询关系，当时状态确实不佳，更重要的是作为一个本科学心理学的人，自然对心理咨询中作为来访者的体验感到好奇。找到一个适合自己的咨询师就像在找对象，会先看平台上每个咨询师的背景，性格，咨询风格，再一个一个约，看看和谁聊得来。咨询师除了必须为我们谈论的所有内容保密以外，如果她和一群朋友在街上遇到我，她需要装作不认识，除非我先向她打招呼，她才可以回应，不然她就可能向她的朋友泄露我作为来访者的身份，因此咨询师也一定不能和来访者成为朋友。一想到我没办法通过同事认识朋友就觉得长大以后的工作也太孤独了吧。

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大家好，我是小空调。我和数学的关系一直很不好，但最近决定把放在别处的好奇心收回来，集中交给数学保管一阵子。一直无法与数学建立该有的亲密关系是因为内心一直不愿意面对数学中逻辑推理的痛苦。为了逃避思考，就养成了只想套公式快速解题，但对概念其实并不完全理解的恶性循环。为了战胜或者说减轻思考的痛苦，最近的小目标是努力让自己对数学的所有概念感到好奇，调用一下平时规划吃喝玩乐的好奇心，重新对最基本的概念刨根问底地好奇一遍。想和各类公式保持一些距离，因为公式是过来人经历完痛苦总结的捷径，又不是自己经历的，没吃过这个苦我肯定也记不住。与数学好好相处的指南，好像对生活中其他事情也很适用。

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大家好，我是小空调。把所有东西画出来，再大的问题也都能解决。比如做数学题的时候把题目的信息转化成几个圆圈和三角形落在纸上，好像就和这道题更亲近了。把题目中的文字变成图像，再变成脑中思考的概念，用最笨拙的方法把所有可能性和运算顺序列出来。拒绝抽象，只相信眼睛看到的。这样彻底的把所有信息形象化让人心安，把浮在空中的不确定性都落在纸上了。又比如画画写生的时候把眼睛看到的景认真观察，吸收，欣赏完后，再用笔把他们落在纸上。虽然过程很笨拙，但产出的作品很难不带上一些个人风格吧，因为眼睛-大脑-手-笔-纸的组合又不是相机，每个组合都独一无二。把东西画出来的时候，也虔诚地想了一遍，好像问题也变简单了。

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大家好，我是小空调。此刻，我正坐在加州Lake Tahoe的一个咖啡馆里，Lake Tahoe是北美最大的高山湖，在加州几乎是个人人都去过的景点。因为疫情大家的活动选择变少了，于是大家都去卷滑雪。卷到什么程度呢，先不说要先从旧金山开四小时单程到Lake Tahoe住下，第二天早上想要滑上好雪的话要7点半出发开到雪场，在路上堵上一小时的车，排队停车，排队坐shuttle上半山腰，再排队坐缆车到雪山顶。顺利开滑后，大家就开始比谁能上新手道，绿道，蓝道，黑道，双黑道。进阶的选手就开始比谁能双板或单板跳跃。想想就觉得心累，于是我宁愿载我朋友去雪场，然后自己回到小镇上找个咖啡馆坐坐，写希望小学的作业。

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大家好，我是小空调。有时候真希望自己能拥有一个机器人与生俱来的规律和执行力。一直听说过这样一个观点：如果一个人每天按时早睡早起，规律吃三餐，保持运动，能做到这些基本上大部分困难都不是什么大事。能早睡早起说明每天都能休息好，能保持运动说明焦虑和压力每天都能减轻一些，先把自己照顾好好像就已经很厉害了。先照顾好自己，再照顾学习，工作，和其他叠加上去的任务，就像在飞机上先给自己带好氧气面罩再帮助他人一样。实际上做起来真的好难，在需要照顾自己的时候，想像一个机器人一样12点能准时躺下，7点风雨无阻地准时起床，三餐都到点就自动投食，再自动化地锻炼一小时，听起来很冷酷无情，但照顾好自己确实是件值得严肃和需要毅力的事。

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大家好，我是小空调。最近工作上到了比较紧张的阶段，该专注工作的时候常常因为想逃避困难就告诉自己我忙累了，需要先休息一下。一般这种时候，我会享受做所有除了工作以外的事，比如出去散个步，买个咖啡，回家之后把洗衣机的衣服都洗了，把厨房好好擦一遍，烧一壶热水，把洗碗机里的碗碟都摆整齐，再去洗个澡，甚至烧个饭。一轮操作之后，好像真的想不出可以做点什么别的了，于是回到办公桌前，继续写报告，不得不面对很难的问题，打起精神认真专注起来。处理压力和焦虑的最佳办法就是把他们叫到跟前，能帮他们解决越多问题，他们就能多远离我一段时间。

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相关链接：

• 希望小学播客#201-周三命题：谁还没个传奇亲戚（小宇宙）

• 希望小学播客#187-2022年的零点，我在干嘛（坏老师版）（小宇宙）

• 希望小学22-10班小型毕业典礼

• 昨日今句（拿了第一朵小红花）

• 昨日今句（拿了第二朵小红花）

招生简章：

Ending 2021

今年花了不少时间重新思考生命中重要的事情，以及修复和重建自己的支持系统，真的非常感恩家人朋友们的爱。面对重要的决策，我的原则仍然是：对自己保持绝对诚实，要勇敢地直面自己的愿望和判断，并坦然接受它的所有后果，这样一切才会变得轻松。

不断探索打动人心的工作

• 高水准的产品研究只有30%是定性和定量的调研分析，剩下的70%其实在于理清哪些关键的战略和方向性问题最需要被回答，什么信息点在此刻最有助于推动产品决策，该如何用数据讲一个打动人心的故事，以及如何和团队建立彼此信任的合作关系。后面的70%让我觉得这份工作像是一个充满未知的冒险，可以尽情地感受心流的时刻，像是时时刻刻在玩，永不疲倦。

• 下半年新加入的Google电商团队更侧重于Researchers as Strategists的团队结构，也对我的角色提出了更高的要求和挑战。现在负责的产品领域和以往相比有更多的未知和可探索的空间，是一个特别需要提出好问题的problem space。希望能更加独当一面，为团队提供准确实用的用户洞察和产品战略方向的建议，以及在关键的产品决策中持续发声和推动讨论。

认识自己，保持创作

• 2021年比以往任何时刻都更清晰地看到了自己性格的利弊，意识到几乎所有的特质都有两面性。比如自己（1）很重视通过多元的体验和交流获得做事的灵感，但也因此不够自律管理好时间和坚持重复性的训练（2）只想花时间做自己有热情和充满挑战的事，但也因此总回避面对一些不那么光鲜但也重要的事，甚至有时不懂得感恩他人在这方面所付出的努力。

• 在中英文的互联网上有很多创作者（精神偶像）深深地影响着我的价值观。感谢他们给予的灵感和陪伴，在状态不佳的日子里听喜欢的播客和读文章真的很治愈。受他们的影响，我也坚信创作的时刻才真正认识和定义自己，要找到自己的声音。

互相滋养的爱需要认知和练习

• 什么是真实的爱？当彼此都很清楚为什么对方是对自己而言最特别和无可替代时，才会拥有真实，忠诚和互相滋养的爱。想要做到这点就要先足够了解自己，有能力真正看见对方，能有效沟通和理解彼此，还要在对的时机相遇并懂得珍惜对方，好像确实需要相信命运。

• 如何保持健康的亲密关系？最重要的确实就是沟通和理解。对我而言，想要练习直面（而非回避）冲突，对自己的感受保持诚实，更理解对方表达爱的方式，感受和珍惜对方带来的独特体验，以及对 trade-offs 保持信念感。

今年有很多可爱的朋友帮我慢慢找回自信和能量，很感谢他们的爱和善意。记录一段昊神的话（珍藏在小本本上了）：“Annie has a curious and also an artistic mind ... brings fresh and new perspectives to our friend group and is always out there trying new things ... doesn’t want to have a boring life and is trying to make not only her life but everyone around her interesting.”

祝你2022健康，快乐。

Dec 31, 2021 at 17 Mile Drive, Monterey

The social psychology of emotion in Inside Out

I was embarrassingly tearing up in the classroom when I watched the Pixar movie Inside Out in our final lecture of Social Psychology of Emotion. As a psychology student, I can definitely appreciate the thoughtfulness behind the production of Inside Out. With the five basic emotions as the main characters, the level of scientific rigor is truly admirable. Interestingly, during the planning phase of the production, the team consulted Paul Ekman, a well-known emotion psychologist focused on facial expression, and Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor at UC Berkeley, who explores the science behind happiness, compassion, love, power, and social class. Notably, these two scholars are the foundational psychologists in developing theories on the expression of emotions.

Basic Emotions Theory by Ekman and Keltner

Paul Ekman initially proposes 6 basic emotions, which includes fear, anger, disgust, surprise, happiness, and sadness. He later developed the Basic Emotions Theory (BET), where these basic emotions have brief patterns of facial behaviour that are distinct and serve as signals of the senders’ current state, intentions, and assessment of situation. Moreover, these basic emotions also manifest some degree of cross-cultural universality and have evolutionary roots to help us with better adaptation in life.

Whereas Dacher Keltner proposes a multimodal approach to the Basic Emotions Theory (BET), where he believes emotions are about actions. The expression of emotion should manifest in multiple modalities, such as facial muscle movement, voice, bodily movements, and gesture, since emotions cannot happen in isolation.

Sadness can strengthen relationships

Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness in Inside Out

To start off with the definition of emotion: “Emotion is an inferred complex sequence of reactions to a stimulus [including] cognitive evaluations, subjective changes, autonomic and neural arousal, impulses to action, and behaviour designed to have an effect upon the stimulus that initiated the complex sequence” (Plutchik, 1982).

In the beginning of Inside Out, Sadness feels that she is not doing any good and only makes things worse in improving and regulating Riley’s emotion. From time to time, Joy tries her best to stop Sadness from touching any memory balls and thus stop “contaminating” happy memories into sad ones. However, the culminating moment (and turning point) in the film is when Joy realizes Sadness evokes reaction from the surrounding and makes other people come help Riley out of the situation.

In the scene where Riley is sad because she has lost a hockey match, her sadness actually makes her parents come out to support her. When her friends later come over to celebrate with her, she is now happy and full of joy. This is a great example of how emotion actually helps evoke a set of complex reactions that help regulate and improve the situation for Riley. From then on, Joy begins to recognize the importance of all five basic emotions instead of trying to get rid of Sadness because it seems “useless.” From a scientific perspective, Keltner proposes that sadness is actually an emotion that can strengthen relationships. Although Joy does play a major role in controlling and regulating the other four emotions, they each have their own job and functionality as a team.

A healthy psychological state is a team sport

Look Out from the “Emotion Headquarter”

In the emotion literature, there are two approaches to understand emotion: the categorical approach, where emotions are distinct entities as in Inside Out, and the dimensional approach, where emotions are defined based on three core dimensions (i.e. valence, activation, and arousal).

In Inside Out, the film applies the categorical approach to define emotion, but at the end of the plot where Riley plays hockey in a team, all of the emotions (i.e. Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear) are activated to perform as a team at that moment. Thus, emotions actually function in a more complex way than simply having the five emotion types function separately at work. In fact, most emotions encompasses more than the dominant type and may shift as we navigate through the situation. For example, an initial sad memory may actually help evoke care from other people, thus strengthening relationships and turn the event into a happy and joyful ending. Inside Out is able to depict this complexity through careful design of the visual depiction, which is really admirable and scientifically accurate.

Visualization of human memory and personality formation

The visualization of how human memory regulate and develop is truly mind-blowing in Inside Out. Just as how the human brain works in reality, Pixar is able to narrates how our personality is supported by several core events and memories, and that each piece of memory is a “memory ball” with a more dominant emotion. I especially love the depiction of the long term memory database in the film, where there are “memory cleaners” who get rid of old and dysfunctional memory balls to maintain a healthy state of memory storage.

From a developmental perspective, the first emotion that Riley born with is happiness, but more accurately, within 30 seconds, other emotions kick in and the baby begins to cry — as part of the developmental process to grow and perceive the world based on these distinct but cooperatively emotion types.

Riley’s Imaginary Friend Bing Bong in the Long Term Memory Database

Long Term Memory Database

Our core memory transforms and helps us grow

Moreover, as in our emotion regulation lecture, when Riley’s emotional state has a breakdown, some of the core memories and islands get destroyed. As much as we lament the disappearance of childhood fun times and our imaginary friends, it is quite true that these may all fade as we grow up and we will meet new adventures down in the journey. Some old memories must go, as we need to build resiliency through each phase of human development from a child, a teenager to a fully grown adult.

Understanding humans inside out is to build empathy

Recall Happy Memory from a “Memory Ball”

Lastly, I love the last scene where we can now take a peak in different characters’ minds inside out, from the teacher, the pizza server, the teenage boy, and even the cat on the street. Recognizing and trying to understand others’ emotional state is part of our ability to empathize with the world. When we attempt to listen, observe, and understand how others navigate the jungle through managing the five emotions in their own heads, we reach a better and more in-depth understanding of each other. The world is more interesting precisely because we have complex and functional emotions at work all the time. Thank you Inside Out for doing such a great job in bridging all this in a fun and accessible way for a broad set of audience.

Canterbury Tales and value of the ordinary

This semester, I take a year-long course on Chaucer's literature and we were assigned to read the Canterbury Tales for the spring term. We are now at the Miller's Tale from the first fragment, but I found it quite difficult to appreciate the value behind these medieval comedic stories, where its narration of the ordinary people and their lives are filled with jokes (and sadly I do not find it funny in anyways), adulteries, and superficial horseplays. The style of Medieval conversations for the lower class uses plenty of coarse and even "bawdy" language in their dialogue and storytelling.

Canterbury tales mural by Ezra Winter. North Reading Room, west wall, Library of Congress John Adams Building, Washington, D.C.

During this week's office hour, I asked my professor "what’s the value of comedy, beside serving as a satire and reflecting the state of society at the time? It seems like tragedy has more 'literary value,’ because the themes in tragedy seemed more eternal in humanity research." My professor replied, "the value of comedy lies exactly in the narration of the ordinary. Comedy reflects the social convention at the time, the thoughts, the emotions, the constraints, and the dialogue of the average people … the 'invisible' population from heroic or epic stories. The experience of the ordinary people may be a 'truer' reflection of the society in the history, as opposed to the exciting and heroic stories of the knights and kings. The ordinary has its own unique value, although it is not so easy to appreciate and resonate with what they cared about at the time." I silently agreed and I thought because the value of the ordinary is often "invisible" and "not-so-exciting-to-recount", it is often undervalued and out of sight.

In our modern society, along with our limited attention and mental resources, it is the wisest to place our attention on the more "significant" things and events, rather than spending time on the relatively trivial and mundane. With this mindset, it is great that we can act more efficiently, by attending to the most important and the most "valuable" aspects of the world. But with this focused and "filtered" mindset, we are also vulnerable to overlook the value of the ordinary, the "not-so-significant" events, and the trivial every day life that occupies a huge portion of our daily experience. A hundred years from now, the part of our experience that does not fit into the category of having "historical significance" may be forgotten and become irrelevant for the future, just as how we may find it difficult to appreciate the mundane life of the average medieval people narrated by Chaucer. 

Emotion narrative in Call Me by Your Name

A film review of “Call Me by Your Name”, directed by Luca Guadagnino, 2018

On a bright summer day in northern Italy, the 17-year-old Elio puts on his sun glasses and lies on a chair in the yard with sunlight washes over him. A typical pleasant summer afternoon with cheerful music, hot air, shiny green leaves, and cool water in the pond. Orange trees have filled the garden, leaving plenty of space for shades and gentle breeze. 

Elio writes music. Delightful and simple tones are the most beloved in the film, partly because it suits the best with the relaxation (and perhaps idleness) of the day to day life in the villa. He is having the best time in his youth, enjoying the glittering days of inspiration and exploration.

Things have changed once Oliver, a charming visiting scholar, arrives to spend the summer with his family. Every eye contact, body movement, and slip of word between the two becomes hint for emotion narratives. There are different phases of emotional development between the two protagonists. Elio and Oliver first begin with careful exploration of each other, where both of them are aware of the emotional tension, but will not disclose it. The awakening desire for sensual pleasure gradually dominates Elio, where he craves deeply for Oliver, for an unexplored territory and sensation in his life. These subtle desire are narrated in a very open and unsophisticated way that guides the viewers to appreciate the authentic desire and sensibility of human experience.

As a viewer, the mundane day to day narration of their summer seems perfectly ordinary. But it is evident that Guadagnino embeds complex emotional tension within the simple family dialogue. By gradually unveiling the relationship of Elio and Oliver, Guadagnino in fact investigates the nature of love, emotion, and relationship, as well as their influence on human experience as a whole.

Specifically, Guadagnino conveys a stance on the significance of having courage to confront your own awakening desire in life, because there is nothing to be shameful of when you encounter your true emotion. As Mr. Perlman says to Elio, “you had a beautiful friendship...Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.” Encountering and embracing your true desire and emotion is a courageous thing to do, and it is incredibly beautiful too." 

In every stage of our growth, we gingerly perceive, silently observe, and sometimes reluctantly constrain our emotion toward a relationship, a desire, or an experience. Instead of snuffing the flame at the root, Mr. Perlman reminds us to all be gentle to these precious moment of emotion awakening. As Perlman points out “withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better...to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!” Indeed, we value emotion and regard it as a unique human experience that distinguish us from the crowd. The process of emotional exploration guides us to understand ourselves, our identity and our value. When Oliver and Elio initiate their jargon of “call me by your name” and repeatedly call each other “Elio” and “Oliver”, the intimate affection leads to something symbolic and abstract that represent their hearts.

Interestingly, in Chaucer’s writing, he also repeatedly mentions that “love is the greatest law above all”. However, in this film, neither the fidelity of love nor the promise of love matters that much. It is the emotion within human affection that moves us and guides the growth of the protagonists. Love can be arbitrary, demonstrated in the final phone call from Oliver, telling Elio that he will get married soon. Love hurts. But love, as well as other types of emotion, has the power to move us and reminds us of its preciousness.

Lastly, the title “call me by your name” is a hint of intimacy for those who are engaged in a deep relationship. It serves as a symbol that suggests a blurring line between “you” and “me”, which is referred by the blurring identity between the two names. Eventually, Guadagnino reminds us to never devalue the beauty of emotion, the confusing moment of ambiguity, and the precious awakening moment of desire.